New Digs!

I’ve moved my blog…

Dress

That being said…

I’m not apologizing for my last post, and I’m not deleting it.

At the same time, I’ll admit that this is all hitting me much harder than it normally would.  I ran out of lorazapam this weekend.  I was cutting back on doses to try to keep a little bit in my system, and the reduced dose added to the stress of not being able to reach my psychiatrist and the gravity of all that needs to be done for the wedding basically rendered me temporarily incapacitated… and a little crazy.

I also haven’t been doing myself any favors lately… late nights, strange eating patterns, letting the apartment fall to pieces…

None of this helps.

I also like the quiet life.  I know that when the wedding day finally arrives, it will be great fun.  For now, it’s insanely disruptive.  And, as I’ve said before, I loathe event planning to the core.  My job made me realize that.  And even at work, I don’t have to be concerned with money and hurt feelings on top of it all.

We’re doing pretty well right now in the financial sense.  But that doesn’t mean that we can blindly spend left and right.  I have a dangerous financial block, too.  People ask what my budget is, and I honestly can’t tell them because I’m simply flying by the seat of my pants.  It’s NOT the way to go about all of this, I know, but at this point, it is what it is.

The good thing is that I now have my refill of lorazapam, so my brain should be back to normal in a day or two.  That will help.

How Bridezillas are made.

I’ve only seen a couple of episodes of Bridezilla, and as much as everyone mocks, I’m starting to sympathize.

This craziness does not come from nowhere.  This craziness comes from (in my case), trying to deal with a tight budget, tight space, completely unresponsive people, endless types of advice, and a severe hatred for event planning.

Let me tell you something about “it’s your wedding, and no one else should matter.”  You want to know something from someone who already doesn’t want to go to her own wedding?  That’s CRAP.  It’s CRAP ADVICE.  You know someone who is getting married?  Don’t say that to them because it’s not true.  Do you know who’s wedding it is?

Everyone else’s.

“You can’t invite one without inviting them all.”  (This advice is ALWAYS about family.  ALWAYS.)

“You’re going to have a reception whether you like it or not.”

“And by the way, you’re the one who has to worry if there will be enough room and food accommodate.”

“You need X, Y, and Z or you’ll regret it.”

Just so you all know… there is NO part of this that is fun.  There is no part of this planning process that I enjoy.  I didn’t enjoy trying on dresses.  (I love my dress, but I didn’t enjoy the shopping part.)  Dealing with my church has been an endless hassle.  I’ll take part of the responsibility for all of this.  I am really good at being organized about many things (you should see my household budget spreadsheets,) but I’ve barely been able to keep a single notebook or even a running list on the wedding.  And the money thing?  I can’t even face that part.  I’ve been shuffling money between accounts to cover what we need (while continuing to pay for life in general.)  It’s 2 months away as of Tuesday and we’ve got at least $2-3k more to spend.  Because of my own stupidity, there’s a high probability that there won’t be enough room for everyone in the reception hall.  (The room that I didn’t actually want but had to take because the room I actually wanted ended up being booked with something else AFTER I requested it.  Don’t ask.)  I couldn’t move the reception now even if I wanted.  We just don’t have the funds (unless I can rent a hall for under $200.)

So the next time you watch Bridezilla (if you watch the show), remember that, unless the woman is truly psychotic, imagine being constantly bombarded with advice that isn’t helpful, imagine being pressured into inviting more people than you can reasonably accommodate, imagine having to be aggressive with people just to get simple information (if you want to add spice to this, imagine being ignored by your officiant,) and imagine having to give up tons of things you’d like to have to please everyone else.

So there will probably be several angry posts over the course of the next 60 days.

I hate every second of this.

The 8-Minute Post

I’m not really aiming to post every day.

In fact, I haven’t made any resolutions yet.  Today, cbs and I suffered through “holiday drop:” that inevitable feeling that it’s time to move out of holiday celebrations and back into real life.  This is going to be particularly difficult for me seeing as I haven’t been to work since last year.  I’m never really ready for the holidays to end, even during the years when I had to work those stupid days between Christmas and New Years.

Not complaining though… I technically have one more day to get my act together before I have to face the Spring Semester.

Refreshed & Renewed

Today has been lovely.

We were up rather late last night, due to a ripple effect that began on Friday afternoon.  I went down to see my friend, mes, and we attended a party at maz’s house.  In spite of the highly charged emotions and animosity, it turned out to be a pleasant time.  That might be the seroquel talking.

We didn’t leave the party until 2:30 am, and mes and I didn’t get to sleep until at least 5.  We managed to stumble out of her apartment at around 11.  She kindly drove me home, and she was able to meet cbs.  She visited with us until about 2 pm, after which cbs and I drove out to Stop & Shop for our lobsters: Shaun and Timmy.  Yes, I am aware that it is not wise to name something that you plan to nosh on later in the evening, but when it comes to live lobsters, I simply can’t help myself.  I’ve also been watching too much Shaun the Sheep lately.

When we got home, cbs convinced me that I needed to take a nap, otherwise I would be falling asleep at 10 pm.  I slept like a rock until 6 pm, and after making my moves in Words with Friends, I wandered down to Starbucks for a couple of shots of espresso… for my chocolate mousse recipe.  I had to cut the recipe in half because I neglected to purchase enough bittersweet chocolate.  The mousse turned out just fine, but note to self:  hand mixers are better than stand mixers for small jobs.  I discovered that I can beat egg whites into soft peaks by hand.  It’s just not a comfortable experience.  By that time, it’s nearly 7:30, and I still had crudités to make and potatoes to cut up.  When we started to nosh on our appetizers, it was nearly 9.  cbs bought me the first three seasons of the Muppet Show, so we flipped back and forth between that and the Twilight Zone.  We got around to eating at 11, and then watched the ball drop.

I think it would be fun for cbs and I to do exactly what we usually do on New Years Eve, only in a penthouse that overlooks Times Square and offers a full view of the ball.  Yeah, that’s on the lottery bucket list.

By the time 4 am rolled around, I wasn’t sure why I was still up.

I love the feeling of a new year.  It’s one of the few times that I really feel as if the past is the past and the present offers the hope of a fresh start.

We rolled out of bed at a scandalous hour.  cbs picked up a burrito and took me to Starbucks for some coffee.  I moved forward with my breakfast plan, which ended up being more of a mid-afternoon snack.  When we bought the lobsters, I also picked up a crumb cake.  After breakfast, I walked down to Porter Square Books to partake in their 20% off everything sale.  While I realize that I ended up spending 80% more than I would have if Porter Square Books was not having a sale, I still found some lovely books.

After my spending spree, I headed to church for the New Years Vespers service.  At the end, we all stood around in a big circle and played musical instruments while chanting for peace.  Why, yes, I am a Unitarian Universalist.  Why do you ask?

Tonight, the plan is to head to bed approximately 7 hours earlier than I did last night.  It’s time to recalibrate in preparation of that activity of which we must not speak until Wednesday at 8:30 am.

I almost made it!

Everyone in my office has been sick over the course of the semester, and I have been magically immune to all of it.  (The Emergen-C helps a bit, too.)

Well, my luck has run out.  I’m sick.  I think I might be saved from a long sickness as I got a ton of sleep last night, and I’ve been trying the emergen-c immune system boost.  It’s just not helping my brain right now.  I’m feeling dazed – as if everything is surreal.

At least I’m only two days away from winter break.

Preventative Maintenance

The great thing about the medication I take is that I am removed enough from strong emotion to observe what’s truly happening to me and what self-care is required.

I’ve accepted that I need to plan for time off after periods of high stress.  I fell into an old habit over the past week.  Much of November was stressful due to work responsibilities.  All three of my major projects wrapped up as of last Friday, around the time the morning headaches started.  Few things are as awful as waking up with a headache.  On this past Monday and Tuesday, I got a double-whammy:  headache and nausea.  I was able to get both under control and felt better as both days progressed.  I assumed that it meant that I would be able to tough it out until the holiday break.  This was the reason why I decided not to request this past Monday off.  I know now that this decision was a mistake.

I had to call in sick on Wednesday.

I really should have known better.  I wasn’t even trying to be a martyr.  I really thought and really wanted to be able to make it to the holiday break.  Monday would have been a perfect day to take off.  Projects done, no meetings, only a little catching up to do…  I wouldn’t have missed the staff holiday party.

This is a limitation that I have to accept.  I can’t just pay lip service to it.  The trouble… the thing that concerns me the most… is my ability to craft a career I like, write as much as I’d like, and raise a family.  I can’t have a high-octane career.  I need the ebb and flow of intense projects and simple, mindless busywork.

It’s always something.

I’m not writing this morning.  I’m slowly burning out, and it’s all because of work.  In spite of having everything under control, I’m still starting to feel extraordinarily crabby and spent.

I also need to release myself from the notion that I’m going to finish this novel by tonight.  There isn’t much more to tell, but I can’t bring myself to push it to the end only to end it.  I’ve been good about letting the story unfold, letting what comes to come.  I don’t want to abandon this method now, but I have to make a promise of myself to finish.  The trick is the time table.  Do I give myself an additional 15 days?  Do I give myself to the end of the year?  I feel that I should have a deadline, arbitrary or not.  I want to finish something for the first time in my life.

I’m pretty sure that I’ll be continuing with this schedule, even after NaNoWriMo.  I’m still not fond of the bedtime.  It leaves little of the evening, but the morning is beautifully all mine, and I have been eager to write.  Some unintended consequences:  breakfast at home.  I can even cook it!  This morning, I made corn muffins.  Bad smells have been getting to me lately, and, well, the cat creates unpleasant smells all day.  It was nice to smell brewing coffee and corn muffins this morning.

I have a little extra time, too.  The downside is that I won’t get my 2-mile walk to work.  I am now able to walk in all weather, thanks to my new raincoat and boots.  I’m not sure how I will feel being plunged into my day like diving into the ocean after a long winter.  Meetings start much earlier than I’d like:  9 am – presentation and second interview for an open position at work.  Half hour break, then meeting with boss.  Then more details for our event next week.  Then meeting with the two pastors at church to start crafting our wedding ceremony.

Tomorrow, the meetings start again at 9 am, with a committee meeting, followed by another presentation and second interview for the same position (we’re down to 2 candidates.)

Friday, I have no escape from the front desk, especially if our graduate assistant decides to not show up again.

Enough about work.

I’ve been listening to a lot of new age and Celtic music lately, especially while writing.  It’s soothing, lovely, and distraction-free.  I’ve spent a long time trying or thinking about formal meditation, but I think I’ve found my own way to meditate:  write and listen to the new age/Celtic stuff.  I think it should count.

Seeing as I only have another 20 minutes to myself, I think I may go back to playing Peggle.

Plaid Friday

It’s officially less about word count and more about finishing.  I’ve made it to 50k, can I make it to the finish line?

I took Thanksgiving off by choice, and it was wise.  I didn’t have time to write even if I wanted to.  Plus, by the time A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was over on network TV (yes, I watched network TV for the first time in ages!), I was feeling a little bummed and out of sorts.

Thanksgiving-drop, I guess.

Thanksgiving went really well.  Real Simple, once again, did not let me down.  The turkey came out amazing, as did the gravy.  (Woo-hoo about the gravy… that’s always a little tricky.)  I also made a stuffing that was pretty good, but I’ll probably skip that next year.  I wasn’t delicious enough for the trouble.  cbs’s mom made some awesome pies, too:  pumpkin and apple.  My boss gifted us a pecan pie as part of a charity thing, and that pie was not so great.  (She didn’t bake it… some company did.)  Football was on the TV all day (of friggin’ course,) so I decided, as we were all hanging out in the living room, that I wanted to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.  Word of advice:  if you want to relax in front of silly Charlie Brown cartoons after a long day of cooking and eating, do not invite drunk people to your house.  I was already feeling disappointed when I opened the fridge on Thursday morning and found a 12-pack of beer.  (Really?)  Then someone comes in with an 18-pack, just at the time when I really needed to chill out.  I was actually looking forward to seeing the two people in question, but not while they’re drunk.

It was kind of a stressful end to the day, which has been going really well up until that point.

Anyway, it’s Plaid Friday, and kind of a non-day.  I slept a long time, nearly 12 hours, and we’ve been taking it easy.  The kitchen, in spite of two full cleaning sessions, is still a bit of a mess.  cbs took care of rounds 1 & 2 yesterday, and is currently working on round 3.  I am thankful for cbs.  I have managed to do very little besides eat leftovers.  We’re going to see The Muppets this afternoon, and we’re going to put up the Christmas Tree later.

I have one more task before me today.  Get writing again.

I’ve discovered that this is the scary part for me.  I’m not sure if I could continue the practice of writing down all that pops into my head (which is an effective strategy for building up word count,) or become more selective in my scenes.  It’s about how I plan to get my main character where she needs to be without sacrificing anything else that may need to happen.

Ok, enough blogging.  Time to get back to it.