We got there around 3-ish. I don’t think we intended to go that late, but I think it worked out well. We brought two camping chairs to have something to sit on, and we realized why people don’t bring camping chairs to the beach: they always fall over and they get incredibly sandy. But at least we had something to sit on.
We started out in the water. The water was frigid, but we were able to get used to it. The waves and the undertow were powerful, and, believe or not, it was kind of fun being tossed around in the waves. At one point, I swam out farther than I thought. When cbs motioned for me to come back in, I hadn’t realize how far I had gotten.
After swimming for a while, we hung out on the beach. I brought some watermelon and strawberries to snack on.
So we had a nosh…
Then we both engaged in a little light reading…
And then back in the water!
We left at about 6-ish to hunt down some good chow. We ended up at a small bar somewhere around Hampton Beach. They had a pretty good lobster roll, but the pièce de résistance was the scallops wrapped in bacon. They came with a maple syrup dipping sauce. Mmmmm.
After dinner, I naturally wanted soft serve ice cream (would you expect any less?) We drove around trying to find a soft serve ice cream place, and we ended up going to the same place we went last year. After gobbling up our cones, we headed home.
Although I’m not that irritated right now, I’m quite sure that I will be by the end of the day. I can’t tell you how tired I am of the data entry I have to do for this ridiculous clinical trial. The communication has been absurdly and inexcusably poor from the start. I just had about 20 subjects worth of extensive data thrust upon me to painstakingly enter in the database. Furthermore, it’s a database that is not data entry friendly. On top of that, we are always having to make adjustments to the database because no one communicated appropriately with the database creator/manager. This study is a mess, and I can’t wait for it to be over.
Worse yet, we are in the middle of a changing of the guard. One of the fellows that has been with us for four years and has worked on this study from the beginning is leaving. He has been doing his best training the new fellow, but she still has many questions that I can’t answer. On top of that, I don’t care. I fundamentally don’t care about this study. I just want all of them to give me accurate instructions and complete data. I want no other involvement in this study other than the tedious data entry.
Even better… the lab assistant is supposed to be responsible for providing me with accurate ordering information, and yesterday, he basically thrust the responsibility of contacting one of the vendors on me. I really want to say something, but I am not his supervisor. I’ll do it, naturally, and feel bitter about it for the entire time I am on the phone. This will be the last favor he gets. There is a silver lining on this cloud, though. We’re hiring him, and I get to participate in writing his job description.
Speaking of that, I am delighted that the admin manager has involved me in the lab assistant’s hiring process. The fact that I’m going to help write a job description is making me feel all important.
It might be a testament to my current mood, but things that have annoyed me on a mental level have not incited a visceral reaction. In other words, I’m not flying off the handle. Weird. But good.
In spite of how I have been feeling for the past few days, I did something positive for myself. I applied to volunteer to be a playspace activity leader for Horizons for Homeless Children. I’ve wanted to do this for years, but I never had the courage. Today I figured, what the heck. What have I got to lose? (Nothing.) What do I have to gain? (Tons!) This is how I generally run my life. I think about doing things for years and years and then finally one day I decide to just do it. I was able to scrounge up a reference from someone who has seen me work with children: the Director of Religious Education at a Unitarian Universalist Church I attended when I lived in Waltham. My other reference, my boss, was enthusiastic about giving me a reference. So it’s all good.
My training date is September 25th. I’m looking forward to starting. I need to have more in my life than work.
I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I suppose I am depressed, but it feels different from the standard depression. I’m much more irritable – everything has been setting me off: people walking to close to me, people talking to me and asking me things, people making noise in my general vicinity. Granted, I could have been impossibly irritable today because I had sharp stomach pains for most of the day. I was also irritable yesterday, and I can’t blame that on a stomach ache.
I also feel deeply discouraged with the Weight Watchers thing. I didn’t lose one pound last week, and I worked really hard to stay within my points. It made me want to quit. Today, I felt like I wasn’t cut out for something like Weight Watchers. In fact, I’m feeling discouraged in general. I can’t seem to reign in the depression. I have no idea what the hell is going on with me right now: lack of motivation, irritability, headaches, stomach aches, desire to nap when I’m not even tired… yet… I don’t feel sad. I feel frustrated. I had such good motivation last week: cooking, keeping the apartment neat, keeping myself organized, being super efficient at work. It’s just fell apart this week: I haven’t cooked nor have I even made an attempt to be healthy. I’m letting the apartment fall apart a bit (the dishwasher was run yesterday, and it still hasn’t been emptied.)
I just feel as if it takes so much effort to try to keep my life in order that I don’t have any motivation or energy left over to pursue my dreams. I haven’t written fiction in ages, and every time someone close to me brings up the subject, I try to evade the conversation because it’s just too painful. It’s too painful to think that I’ve got nothing left to give my writing.
I just want to give everything up: the losing battle trying to stabilize the bipolar, the Weight Watchers thing, my writing that is going nowhere, my life in general.
So how did I manage to apply for a volunteer position in spite of losing most of my hope?
Here’s something I should have considered, and it’s something that might even be workable.
Right now, if our expenses remain stable, it only costs us $31,200 (very approximately) in straight up living expenses. Half of that is $15,600, so, no matter what, I have to take home at least that much, but preferably $20,000 or so for unexpected expenses.
Now, if I do go to graduate school for grant management, I can continue to work full time, and I will probably be eligible for tuition aid from MGH. That all being said, after I graduate, I will be $80,000 in the hole for student loan debt. If I can manage to pay it off at the rate of $1,000 per month, it will take me approximately 6.5 years. It doesn’t seem worth any of it if I can’t pay off this debt quickly. That being said, I’ll need to take home at least $32,000. This is possible if I can get into a management position. In order to make it truly worth it, I will have to put in at least 8-10 years. After my loans are paid off, I could probably put away the same amount of money that I use to pay my student loans and save that to pay for a graduate program that I actually want to attend.
The time line would be approximately 10 years: 2 for graduate school and another 8 in whatever higher-level administrative position I can finagle my way into. So 10 years from 36 (around the time I would start graduate school) would put me at 46. Then I would have to start graduate school all over. Another 2 years, putting me at 48 years old and another $60,000 in debt…
Oh, now I’m depressed. I can’t even factor children into the equation because I have no idea of the financial impact. (Or any of the other ways children would impact our life.)
And when I really look at it, it seems silly to spend $20,000 and 10 years to do something I don’t want to do in order to get financially “stable” enough to do what I want to do. Maybe I should just suck it up and either live with being remarkably unhappy or live with the idea that I’m just going to have student debt for the rest of my life.
I know I’ve been over this so many times that you are all tired of reading about it. It’s a perpetual theme in my life, and every time I think I’ve found the answer, I feel as if I’m tossed unceremoniously back to square one.
Research management is a high-demand field. It can pay pretty well when coupled with a straight-up management degree. An M.S. in research management would only cost me $20,000 total; it’s the cheapest graduate degree I looked into so far.
However, it would be like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.
The truth of the matter is that grant management keeps my mind occupied enough to keep me from going insane because I’m stuck in an office for 40 hours per week. It’s not bad work. It’s just not sustainable. The question that weighs heavily on my mind is: how long will it take for me to burn out? The unfortunate truth about my generation and the generations after us is that we are going to have to deal with older and older retirement ages. The retirement age for my mother’s generation is already 67, and Britain is discussing raising it to 70. It won’t be long before we follow suit. Worst case scenario: no more social security. Considering that I’ve never been in the financial position to contribute to a retirement fund, there’s a good chance that I’m just not going to be able to retire.
That all being said, I have to seriously consider whether or not I can do grant management until I die. I can tell you now that the answer is a resounding NO! I hate administrative work. Even if it keeps me occupied for 40 hours per week, there will be a point in the future when throwing myself off the Longfellow Bridge will be the solution to not having to go to work anymore. (In fact, it feels like a great idea now.)
Here’s where my bind is: there’s no money in being a school librarian and the job opportunities, at least in the Boston area, are scarce, and there are no jobs for people with MFAs. Especially in this day and age, when the humanities are essentially dying, the chances of me scoring a stable professorship in creative writing or English literature are slim to nil. To add insult to injury, the school librarianship graduate program I’ve been looking into will cost me a whopping $63,000 in tuition alone.
This is why this has become a perennial issue. No matter what I do, I will have to make a major sacrifice. It’s not about making small sacrifices. It’s huge sacrifices. I have to choose between a livable salary in a job that would cause me suffering and a sub par salary in a job that I might actually find fulfilling. I think the biggest kick is that the graduate program for the livable salary is 1/3 of the tuition of the graduate program for the scarce job opportunities and sub par salary.
I feel a sense of urgency in resolving this issue. I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I spent another few years doing this crappy administrative work, but I do need to feel as if I’m moving forward. I need to make some sort of decision about how I’m going to handle my career in the long term.
I’m feeling pretty good today, in spite of the fact that I got to bed way too late. I’m starting to be full of ideas again. cbs coming home earlier will be awesome for us. We’ll be able to get our chores and errands done during the week, which will free up the entire weekend for fun and relaxation. Plus, my head is full of ideas for organization and setting up and decorating the apartment. It will take some time because I want to purchase more furniture and stuff containment units (bookshelves and the like.) While I’m still lusting after the greatest desk created from Jordan’s furniture, I’m willing to grab something cheap from Ikea until I can realize that perfect desk dream. I can’t find a picture, but it’s an L-shaped desk with a hutch, and it’s about $2000-2500. Someday… sigh.
Fortunately for us, we don’t have a lot of stuff, but we could still stand to declutter and get stuff organized. We might as well do it now before we start acquiring stuff as a couple. Now that I think about it, I’m not too worried about us. We’re not trinket buyers (even though cbs sometimes brings home schwag from work… but it’s not out of control.) We’re mostly CD and book buyers when we do buy stuff.
As I said, I feel really great, and I am full of plans. This is usually a sign that I might be a little hypomanic. The only difference is that I don’t feel jittery, anxious, and irritable. Sometimes, when I’m hypomanic, I’m too happy, but I also feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin. So maybe I am simply happy and feeling better. Okay, so I am probably slightly hypomanic because I’ve been having a hard time settling down at night and getting myself to bed at a decent hour.
I think the Weight Watchers is paying off. It’s not so much in the losing weight part (although I’m seeing some small results.) It’s more that I feel better. Less reflux, less painful morning stomachaches (which my doctor and I also think are associated with reflux,) and general overall better nutrition. I’ve been working on portion control, and I’ve discovered that a normal portion size (as opposed to the super portion sizes I’ve been eating) is actually satisfying.
I think I am finally hitting my stride! I’m getting better at planning for the day, and I’ve become mindful of portion size. The funny thing about portion size… it is more satisfying than I thought it would be. It is enough food, and when I’m done eating, I feel satisfied. Since I know that I “can’t” go back for more, I don’t feel the desire to. Before, I used to take as much as I wanted, even after I was full, because the meal was so tasty.
I’ve also been getting many recipes off of the WW website, and they’ve been very tasty.
The habit that I’ve wanted to pick up, I haven’t been able to. I’ve been getting to bed too late, and I haven’t been able to get up at 5:30 am to walk. I might shift my hours because of this. I seem to do okay getting up at 6 am. I’m not too keen on changing my hours, but a half an hour shift isn’t too bad. It means that I’ll get home at 5:45 instead of 5:15. I definitely want to build this habit in my routine. The couple of times that I’ve gotten up to walk have been beneficial. It’s nice to have the extra quiet time before I have to interact with others.
Yesterday, I realized why people want to win the lottery. I think it is beyond the money issue. With the exception of people who are truly struggling to make ends meet, I think many play with the hope that they can be ejected from life as they know it.
I know this is the case for me. I am bored, frustrated, and deeply unsatisfied with my job situation, and I have to spend 42.5 hours at the job and approximately 10 hours per week commuting to and from. I have to spend money on clothes specifically bought for work, and those clothes are not cheap. I have to spend up to $8-10 on lunch if I forget to bring lunch from home. I have to spend an exorbitant amount on ice cream and snacks to deal with the stress of hating my job. I have to do all of my household chores during my non-work hours. As a result, between work and household responsibilities, all of my energy is spent. Unfortunately, I’m not the type of person that has that unlimited supply.
So I dream. I dream about reducing my hours. I dream of flexible hours. I dream of a job that does not drain me. I dream of no job and the opportunity to choose how I spend my day. In that dream, I have my mornings: the time of day when my brain is most active and awake.
The lottery, for me, isn’t so much about money as it is about having greater sovereignty over my life.
I wish there was another way to gain sovereignty over my life in a proactive manner, rather than to dream of far-fetched, completely unlikely scenarios that will “save me.”
Okay, this points thing is starting to annoy me. I know that I’m only in my first week of trying to stay within the 29-point limit, but I’m already feeling a bit let down. I’ve only been able to stay within my 29 points one day this week – Monday. I couldn’t get a read on my hunger because I had no appetite.
So maybe it’s not the idea of staying within the 29 points. It’s the fact that everything has points. 4 cups of lettuce = 1 point. Lettuce! Lettuce is like water, fiber, and green. Weight Watchers also has this thing about “filling foods.” Watermelon is listed as a filling food. Watermelon is water and pink. And it’s about 1 point for a cup.
I know this seems crazy. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but if you add the things that actually are filling (2 oz goat cheese = 5.5 points; 6 pecans = 2 points.) And then there is olive oil, which is a staple in our household. 7 points for 2 tablespoons.
I guess I am worried. cbs’s mom told me that the point allowance goes down as you lose weight, and that she’s down to 18 points per day. I can’t imagine what I could possibly eat with only 18 points per day. Black coffee, plain fat-free yogurt, and an apple?
my beloved fans